Relax, Nothing Is Under Control

We all like to think we're in control of our lives, don't we?

We make plans, organise our days, think ahead, prepare for what might happen and try to make sure things turn out the way we'd like. Planning is useful, of course. If you're going on holiday, it's probably a good idea to know where you're going and whether you've packed your passport.

But alongside all this practical activity, there's often a persistent feeling that we're supposed to be in charge of everything. That somehow, if we think hard enough, plan carefully enough and make all the right decisions, we'll finally get life under control.

And then, presumably, we can relax.

But does it ever quite work out that way?

Take something as ordinary as breathing. You can deliberately take a breath, hold it or change its rhythm, but most of the time breathing carries on perfectly well without your involvement. Your heart keeps beating, your food is being digested and your body regulates its temperature. Countless processes are taking place without you having to organise any of them.

And what about your thoughts?

Can you tell me what your next thought will be before you think it? You might have an idea of what you'd like to think about next, but can you actually know which thought will appear?

Try it. Wait for the next thought.

Where did it come from? Did you decide to have it? And if you did, where did that decision come from?

There's something rather curious about all this. So much of what we call our life is happening without our conscious direction, yet we carry around this familiar sense of being the one who's supposed to be running the whole show.

When we say, "I'm in control of my life," what are we actually referring to? We can make decisions, influence what happens and choose between different possibilities. But is there also a feeling that somewhere inside all this activity is someone who's directing it?

Think of something in your life that you're currently trying to control. It might be a relationship, your work, your finances, your health or something that hasn't yet happened.

Notice what takes place when you think about it. There may be tension somewhere in the body, a tightening in the chest or stomach, a sense of urgency, or thoughts running through possible outcomes. And what happens when you imagine things going wrong? Does the feeling change?

We tend to talk about being in control as though it's simply a fact about ourselves. But when we look more closely, there's also the experience of control itself, with its thoughts, feelings, expectations and bodily sensations.

Can we notice all of this without immediately trying to sort out whatever seems to be threatening our sense of control?

Much of our desire for control seems to involve the future. We want to know what's going to happen and feel reassured that things will turn out well. And when we don't know, the mind can become extraordinarily busy trying to work it all out.

What if this happens? What if that goes wrong? What if I make the wrong decision?

Before long, we can find ourselves living in a future that hasn't happened, responding to situations that exist only in our imagination.

Meanwhile, what's actually happening?

You may be sitting in a chair, aware of your breathing, the sounds around you and the sensations in your body. Thoughts are coming and going, including the thought that something needs to be sorted out before you can be at ease.

Is that actually true?

We're often told that we need to let go of control, which sounds reasonable enough. But who's going to do the letting go?

If I decide that I must stop trying to control everything, haven't I simply found something else to control? Now I have to monitor myself to make sure I'm letting go properly.

Am I relaxed enough? Have I surrendered? Why am I still worrying?

It's quite a performance, isn't it?

We can spend an extraordinary amount of effort trying to stop ourselves from trying. And the whole business of letting go becomes another thing we feel responsible for getting right.

But what happens if we simply notice this movement of trying to control? The thoughts, the anticipation, the tension, the imagined future and the feeling that everything somehow depends on us.

Can all of that be present without our immediately trying to change it? Even the desire to get rid of the feeling of needing control can be noticed.

There's no particular state we need to achieve. We can become familiar with something that ordinarily happens almost unnoticed.

Of course, life still requires us to make plans, take decisions, deal with difficulties and respond to whatever needs attention. We can do all of that. But does it require the additional burden of believing that we must somehow be in control of life itself?

Look at what's happening right now. Breathing is taking place, thoughts are appearing, sounds are being heard and the body is alive with sensations. Life is unfolding in ways we could never completely anticipate.

How much of this are we actually directing, and how much is simply happening?

We may have spent years believing that we'll finally be able to relax when everything is under control. Yet the more closely we look, the harder it becomes to find this person who's supposed to be controlling it all.

So, what happens if we don't wait until everything is sorted out?

What if we don't postpone relaxing until some future time, place or situation when life is finally the way we want it to be?

What happens if we relax now, right in the midst of life as it is?